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I blogged previously about my love for our neighborhood’s little libraries. If you are like me, and you ever feel lonely or disconnected, then maybe you, like me, could benefit from buying and donating your favorite books as a valued part of a good de-lonelying. You get to experience the fun of shopping, the anticipation and thrill of getting books in the mail and finally holding them in your hands, maybe the comfortable adventure of rereading a favorite story, a lot of nice walks with a nice destination, and finally the hope that you’ve given a favorite piece of yourself to someone else who really loves it and that that part of you might be out there making the world better for them. If you can afford it (and it’s cheaper than you might expect), I recommend it.

This time, I also bought a big pack of crayon boxes, because I love crayons and I think I would have loved to find a box of crayons as a child, especially alongside a great book, and I wrote little notes in the books and in the crayon boxes, including a favorite inspirational Neil Gaiman quote.

As much as I give I apparently also take. Here is our добыча from Salem’s Free Book Day on April 10th. All or at least the vast majority of these books will, of course, eventually make their way back into the free book ecosystem.

So far, I have read Finlay Donovan Is Killing It, which is about a writer writing fiction about (and definitely not engaging in, certainly not for substantial supplemental income, and absolutely not as research for her next book) murder for hire; The Messy Middle, which is not about murder for hire but is about working through the middle of any other kind of long and difficult project (something like, perhaps, a PhD); and My Name Is Awesome, which is about naming things and is really more of a pamphlet. My partner Cory is reading Company of Liars. Happiness, happiness, happiness.

One of the books I bought for my little library donations was a favorite from a previous life, Don’t Look Behind You by Lois Duncan, which is a fictional suspense story about a family that goes into witness protection. Growing up I really, really, really loved anything and everything by Lois Duncan. I still remember the exact shelf in my middle school library where Lois Duncan’s books lived. I checked that shelf every time I got to go to the library to see if there were new-to-me books that had previously been checked out. Whenever I did get a new Lois Duncan book I remember not being able to sleep until I was done reading—by flashlight under the covers (worth the vision loss? maybe), promising my dad every time he noticed the light under the door that I’m of course going to sleep (absolutely not, but worth the sleep loss, I think). It was delightful to reread.

When I finish a book I enjoyed I usually read through to the acknowledgements and, if it’s a teen book, the reader discussion questions. Just for fun, just this once, I decided to actually answer them.

1. Until April was called out of class, she didn’t know how much trouble her dad was mixed up in. Do you ever wonder if your parents are hiding secrets from you?

What an odd question to ask your middle school English class: “Children, are any of your parents secretly tied up in anything suspicious? Maybe an international drug cartel? Please, speak clearly and slowly into this microphone.”

(And no, I don’t. But I also believe that if my parents do keep secrets from me it is healthy and okay, because we’re all adults and we are all allowed our own private (non-crime-related) lives.)

Discussion questions are off to a weird start.

2. Is April’s life back home really as perfect as she makes it sound? Explain.

April has a boyfriend, a nice house, a sport she is both good at and deeply invested in (a helpful combination, to be both good at something and interested in it), friends, and a family that loves her. That sounds great. I think that’s a nice life.

3. Lorelei and April’s mom are very different. Do you know people who are very different from their parents? In what ways are you different from your parents?

I really enjoy stories about women in a family, especially women from multiple generations of a family. There is so much that goes into a multigenerational family relationship—your expectations of each other through the different stages of life as each of you changes, how that relationship changes into adulthood and old age, the childhood scars and fears that each person brings in, the unexpected things that bring you closer or farther apart. I love how Meg Wolitzer explores family and friend relationships over time, especially in The Position and The Interestings, and I really like Gilmore Girls for the same reason. The first time I watched Gilmore Girls I was closer to Rory’s age; Rory was my main character and her relationship with Lorelai was the most interesting part of the story to me. Now that I’m closer to Lorelai’s age, Lorelai has become my main character and her relationship with Emily and her professional growth are the most interesting parts of the story to me. I wonder how my experience of the show will change if I rewatch Gilmore Girls again in the future, maybe when I hopefully someday have my own kids.

My mom, my maternal grandmother, and I all have the same voice—I guess it is passed down on the maternal line. My grandmother is a bit more high-pitched (she sometimes sets of fax machines), but all three of us have very expressive voices that can’t be distinguished from each other over the phone. Otherwise the three of us are all very different, and those differences are magnified by us having lived through very different times and experiences and having grown up in different cultures. Exactly as we should be. I think we complement each other well.

4. When April listened in on Max’s call to Jim about the threatening letter her dad received, she decided not to tell her mom. Did she do the right thing? Why or why not?

I definitely think that in a scary story it is generally very important to the protagonists’ survival that they openly and immediately communicate all scary-story-relevant information. So no, not the right thing.

5. April complains that her family’s time at the hotel with Jim is boring. What would you do if you were stuck in that situation? Would you be bored watching TV all day, with no friends to talk to?

This was a very interesting book to read at this time. In the book, April is trapped indoors by the witness protection program. In the real world, we’ve been isolated and to varying extents removed from our lives by the pandemic. (I’m not sure which sounds more fictional.) Based on the past year, I know that I would watch a lot of TV but that I would not watch TV all day. I would probably spend more time on the balcony, or whatever outdoors I could reach. I would get more books (clearly) and spend as much time as I could with them—and maybe some plants, too. I would miss my friends and family a lot.

6. Since she was quite happy with her old life, April is reluctant to start a new life in the Witness Security Program.
Other people might find it exciting to start with a clean slate. Have you ever fantasized about starting fresh in a place where no one knows you? If you could reinvent yourself, what would you change? Where would you move?

I, like April, have a lot invested in my current life and have worked hard to build many things that I care about—I wouldn’t want to start over. A change sounds appealing, but not a clean slate, except perhaps the kind of clean slate that comes from finishing projects and getting to start new things that I currently can’t even imagine. I do think it would be fun to do something new—not too new, but a little new, having finished previous projects to my satisfaction and taken some time to read and think. That kind of clean slate sounds nice.

7. If one of your friends disappeared without warning with her entire family, what would you do?

I would assume that my friend got deported. I tend assume that my friends are not going to be deported, but I have been wrong in the past. It is very sad when something like this happens.

8. When Larry first invites April to the movies, she’s worried about being faithful to Steve and doesn’t want to go on a date. Later she finds out that Steve hasn’t waited for her. Taking the situation into account, would you wait for April if you were in Steve’s shoes? How long could you wait without even knowing what happened to her?

I’m not in high school, and my partner is my partner of almost a decade—if he disappeared to go into witness protection and I did not even know where he disappeared to, my world would crumble. For that reason I imagine we would disappear together, though I also wouldn’t want to leave my family so maybe we could bring them too.

If I were me from high school and my boyfriend of perhaps several months moved across the country without saying goodbye, I don’t know that I would look too far past the surface of the situation. Boyfriends move, and while a cross-country move is a lot to hide, sometimes people hide things they aren’t thrilled about. I would be upset but, in high school and as my high school self, I’d probably move on quickly.

9. April really loves playing tennis, and her skill is a big part of her self-image, so she takes it hard when she finds out she can’t play on the team. What interests, hobbies and talents do you think define you as a person? What would you be unwilling to give up in a similar situation? Are there certain things that are so important you could never sacrifice them?

I think any means of creative expression, especially one you are good enough at that you are reliably able to commit a piece of yourself to it and feel truly seen by other people through it, becomes an important part of the self. I can’t imagine tennis being that kind of expression for me, but I do not play tennis. I am especially sympathetic to April’s mom, who had built a writing career she was proud of and now couldn’t write, not even under a pen name.

10. When April presses her dad for the reason he put the family in danger, he says, “The real truth is, I wanted to be a hero” (p. 120). He explains that he’s never felt important in his life, and this was his big chance. Do most people want a chance to be heroes at least once in their lives? Why or why not?

I think everyone wants to feel that they’ve made a positive impact in the world, preferably in some way that is personal and validating. This scene was a very valuable part of the novel. I don’t know that I would have sympathized with April’s father without it.

I think this question ties in to the previous question. To April, her legacy was tennis. To April’s mom, her legacy was her writing. To April’s dad, his legacy was what forced the family into witness protection. No one got to keep their legacy except April’s dad, and living his legacy stripped the rest of his family of theirs. That’s not how it should be—families should support each individual’s independent life and work and whatever mechanism they’ve found for sharing themselves with the world.

11. At the end of the book, April seems to come to terms with her new life. What would you miss most if you had to start over? Who would you most want to be able to see again?

At some point in The Messy Middle (from my Salem book haul) the author says that we should value our projects and jobs and situations and the people around us not only by how much we want them now, but by how much we would want them and fight to get them back if we lost them. For me, that’s a lot.

I would miss my friends and my family the most. I would miss my home—both Cambridge and central Pennsylvania. There is something very comforting in the particular plants I’m used to seeing around me, and in the clouds and the rain and the hills and the forests. I don’t think I could comfortably live for very long in a desert or in a warmer climate or in a very different part of the world. I don’t think I could live at all without my family or my partner.

And of course I would miss the life I’ve built for myself and the hope I have for it. I would miss all the little parallel tracks I’ve built, and I would always wonder where they would have led if I’d gotten to stick around to see them.

—But I don’t have to miss it, any of it. It’s all mine.

To end, an inspirational reminder to myself and to anyone else reading this, because art is important and uplifting from both the receiving and the creating side of it—